Steel Panther: Eating Ain’t Cheating
Right before Steel Panther sauntered their spandex onto the stage in Sydney, BLUNT was ushered backstage to talk to Lexxi Foxx and Satchel about their new album, All You Can Eat. Clearly that was never going to happen.
Tell me about your new album All You Can Eat. Is the title a dig at Mötley Crüe’s Vince Neil?
Lexxi Foxx: Oh my god – you’re gonna get sued!
Satchel: It’s not a dig at Vince Neil, it’s a way of life for Vince Neil. All You Can Eat is, how would you say… What’s the word I’m looking for?
Lexxi: I know the word you’re looking for, I’ll help you think… Ice cream.
Satchel: No I’m not looking for the word ice cream. Although if you had all you can eat ice cream, you’d end up looking like Vince Neil, if you just kept on eating it, it would take about a week. If you ate as much ice cream as you wanted for a week straight and didn’t barf any of it up in one week, and this is the weird thing: it doesn’t matter how skinny you are when you start, in one week no matter who you are, you’ll look like Vince Neil.
Lexxi: Your hair even starts to turn blonde. It doesn’t even have to be vanilla. I don’t know if you can come back from it again.
Satchel: Well you can’t come back. You can never ever come back to completely normal once you look like Vince Neil and you will sound like a parrot.
So you crowdfunded this album…
Satchel: Not really, we just had a bunch of money saved up because we used to sell drugs – crack, ecstasy – a bunch of drugs at the shows because we didn’t get paid a lot as a band so we made extra money by selling drugs. Kids love drugs – write that down, that’s a good thing to know. If you’re gonna sell drugs, kids are a good demographic.
Lexxi: Middle schools…
Satchel: Old people like drugs too like viagra, cholesterol medication…
Lexxi: You can really get fucked up taking some of that cholesterol medication.
Satchel: But you really need to take that if you’re gonna eat ice cream all the time, and that’s why Vince Neil has high cholesterol all the time. A lot of people don’t realise that. But we asked the crowd to fund our album and then we spent that money on our own drugs.
Lexxi: That shit we weren’t gonna sell, we get the good shit.
Satchel: We lied to our audience but they understand that. It’s like when you date a girl and you say, “I don’t ever want to sleep with anyone else,” and then fuck her friend because her friend hears that and goes, “I’ll try to fuck him to see if he is lying.” When the friend gets you alone, “I fucking want you, I want you now.” You know what you do, you go, “I can’t.” And then you just whip your dick out and shove it in there as fast as you can, you know what I’m saying? And then she feels like she accomplished something and you feel good because you have an orgasm.
Lexxi: That’s why girls fight all the time, I don’t give a shit if he fucks someone I’m fucking – it’s dope, I’m happy about it, but you girls…
Satchel: You can fuck any girl that I fuck.
Lexxi: That’s what I’m talking about.
Satchel: Just as long as I go first or just come up while my dick is in one of her holes…
Lexxi: I would never.
Satchel: If you ask first, I’m down, just don’t start rubbing your dick all over my balls.
So how many naked photos of you Satchel are currently circulating as a result of the crowdfunding?
Satchel: Wow, that’s a really good question. I don’t know, there’s really no way to test that. Girls take pictures of me naked all the time when I’m fucking them and a lot of girls set cameras up so there’s probably all kinds of videos out there. I know I take videos of girls all the time.
Talk us through a typical day in the studio with
Satchel: The sun will come up and we will already be awake from partying from the night before and we don’t start working until somebody tells us to. If the producer shows up and wants to record some shit, it sucks because we’ve got to stop partying and start recording and we will try and record some shit. We always try to make sure the bitches are there so we have something to look at in between recording. You need a muse, you need your inspiration. Do you know what a muse is?
Lexxi: I thought you were talking about those things that like to eat cheese and you set up little foods for them and they get snapped in half. My grandma used to do that in the basement, the muses would go all over the place and their little bodies would split right in half because we put little treats…
Satchel: It’s a mouse. A muse is totally something different to that. A muse is usually a girl who is hot that inspires you to write music. The thing that inspires you to write, well you don’t really write music, I just tell you what notes to play. “[Starts yelling] Fucking wrote note, man!” Fear is your muse – when you get scared and you don’t want me to kick you in the nuts. He still gets inspired by hot bitches, he doesn’t give a shit about the music part of it. He will make his hair look floppy. You think he would look this hot if he didn’t get inspired by bitches all the time? Look at that, how’s your neck man?
Satchel: He hurt his fucking neck and that’s his dedication to heavy metal.
That’s a common injury in heavy metal.
Satchel: It’s a very common injury, especially because he flips his head around…
Lexxi: …and the hair is so heavy. And the reason is, and I can tell you this, do you know that sperm actually thickens your hair?
Is that because sperm is predominately made up
Lexxi: Everyone is so much smarter than I think.
Satchel: You know, it’s not easy, he has to flip his hair.
Lexxi: I have such a skinny little neck.
Satchel: He’s got like three extra vertebrae in his neck. He is like a giraffe.
Steroids will take care of your neck problem by eliminating it all together.
Lexxi: But then your wiener gets small.
Satchel: If you do a lot of steroids you can take pictures of your dick from underneath, it looks bigger that way.
So, how much work does it take to look good in spandex?
Satchel: That’s the best question you’ve asked. It’s not easy to look good in spandex. There’s a lot of guys who’d like to be in a band like Steel Panther, but you can’t just throw some spandex on and look good – you’ve got to be skinny enough to look good and that takes either working out a lot, or drugs…
Lexxi: Or when you’re done eating just throw your food up.
Satchel: You taste it twice!
Lexxi: I can enjoy anything anybody else can, but who gives a fuck, the fun part about eating is right here [points to mouth]. It’s a scientific fact that it’s bad for food to stay in your stomach, so I’m doing my stomach a big fucking favour. I’m gonna live longer too because none of the bad stuff is staying in my stomach. And this is another proven fact: if you feel good about yourself you’ll live longer because you’re happy. There.
Satchel: Try to refute that. You can’t refute the truth.
Lexxi: But you can refute your food.