2012
A few facts about 2012 you may not have known
Review: Lachlan Marks
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- Was actually a comedy and they changed the title at the last second under studio pressure to 2012 from Squashed By Stuff.
- Spells the end of John Cusack’s career as we know it (aside from running from explosions and having romantic PG rate conversations with middle-aged chicks in parks).
- Tried to set up a Battlestar Galactica of the Sea sequel
- Danny Glover will do anything if you pay him enough money (even Lethal Weapon 4).
- You can drive a limousine through a crumbling building and land a mad jump out the other side and your whinging kid will still like your ex’s new boyfriend more than you.
- We’ve got morals and want to save everyone but if we’ve got to keep the plot moving then fuck you all – this plane only seats four.
- The aircraft carrier falling on the white house was cool
- The waves going over the Himalayas was shit. Those motherfuckers are 8 kilometres high!
- LA sliding into the Pacific ruled
- The new husband getting squished was lame
- China shifting to under the plane sucked
- The volcano was cool
- Outrunning pyroclastic flows sucked
- Amanda Peet is hot.
- Thandie Newton is hot
- Woody Harrelson – awkward.
- Danny Glover – too old for this shit
- John Cusack – nonchalant about suicide
- Little boy – fiending to be the moodiest teen ever
- Little girl – stoked on dry underwear
- Rich people – suck
- People of earth, you are going to burn...unless you’ve got 1 billion dollars then you’re sweet (I think we already knew this)
- Woody Harrelson loves playing a kooky bonghead (we don’t think they even had to pay him)
- All Russian people are fat, rude and rich
- Mistresses always have ugly little dogs (shit gets lonely otherwise...hmmn wonder who Dorothy was bangin’?)
- Sony movie characters really like Sony Computers, Sony Playstation Portables, Sony MP3 players, Sony underpants...
- You can blow up Planet Earth and still make a boring movie
- The Chinese are undisputedly the world’s leaders in manufacturing
- Keeping secrets is easy even if you need to build 7 gigantic boats that hold 100,000 people each in 3 years in hollowed out mountains
- John Cusack can outrun anything God can throw at him.
- Flying planes is easy. Even giant Russian cargo ones.
- Conspiracy theorists drink Pabst Blue Ribbon
- Don’t worry, the dog survives. Wait, wasn’t that Independence Day?
- Will Smith did not get offered a ticket to the ark, spelling the end of an era scientists have dubbed “The Big Willyithic”
- Dust will fuck your shit up
- Audiences are totally cool with burning planes and exploding skyscrapers now...
